The people I work with have HUGE jobs and, oftentimes, very strong family commitments and values that they want to honor with their time and presence.  With the publication of  Anne Marie Slaughter’s new book and the concomitant debate it has sparked, we are all well-served to ask how we might set up systems and business environments that don’t make these decisions so fraught.

In the meantime, while more systematic changes are pondered and pursued, I have clients answer the following: even if nothing changes with your work demands, what is possible right now to better connect with your children? I include below some of the incredibly practical and wonderful systems I have seen them set up, with the hopes that it inspires:

  • Parent of teens has “amnesty” Tuesday when he takes one of his three teenagers out for coffee. On those evenings, they can “confess” or tell him anything on their mind. His commitment is to problem solve/mentor only and promises no hyper reactivity. (Note: This structure is particularly genius because he can get in the right frame of mind in advance to listen). After doing this for some time, he’s noted that he can now tell when something major is going on when his kids start to switch their weeks.
  • Saturday “Bagels and Talk” ritual; each of three kids has a turn; they get full attention during that time
  • Movie/dinner night with family every Friday, when they’re beat anyway and can’t muster up energy for much else. If there are no new movies, they do Netflix/order in.
  • Another started gifting an activity for birthdays and holidays (long bike ride, race, kayaking in city, etc)
  • Another signed up for theater series with daughter to ensures it’s on calendar far in advance (sports tickets, opera/symphony tickets, etc do the same)
  • Using the school year as a marker, each child gets a solo dinner out at the beginning, middle, and end of school
  • One chooses LONG books to read to young children and does so by iChat even when away from home (they’re loaded on Kindle)
  • Another has “world cooking” every other week with pre-determined location from kids. If wiped out, they simply dine at restaurant from the region
  • Family works out together at health club once during the week (a two-fer!) then eats dinner there

None of these solve the ultimate problem of competing commitments in our cultural/work system. But they do start the process of getting better at creating the time, space and rituals that we, as human beings respond so well to.


Every day, leaders encounter a wide range of negative emotions—their own and the emotions of those they lead. Impatience. Anger. Jealousy. Uncertainty. Insecurity. Defensiveness. Frustration. The list goes on. Learning to be agile and resourceful in the face of these emotions is a rich and complex area of coaching (and our third and final installment in the “round up” of 2014 coaching themes). We can only scratch the surface here in blog form, but it’s well worth scratching.

I take the term “emotional agility” from Susan David and Christina Congleton’s excellent 2013 Harvard Business Review article.  When you possess high levels of emotional agility, it simply means that you have a well-developed capacity to recognize and “unhook” from negative emotions. You can respond to difficulties in alignment with your values—rather than simply react impulsively from a “hot” state. You have grace under fire.

Here are three distinct ways you can work to improve your emotional agility as a leader:

1. Know Your Triggers

Understand well the people, scenarios, and topics that can trigger and tweak you. What you’re going for is an external map of situations; one that alerts you to tread carefully and to set your intentions in advance, e.g. “I’m here to listen and understand her perspective only.” Then, schedule yourself wisely—know your limits to ensure that you are as ‘on game’ as you can be when you will face difficult people/situations. People face stressful situations with much more grace when they’re rested, not decision fatigued, and when they have food in their systems. These are trite observations, but the research bears them out in a compelling manner.

2. Know Your Signs: Become a Sommelier of your Senses

What happens to you physically when you’re emotionally hooked? Does your jaw clench, chest tighten, ears redden, heart rate accelerate? Do you start to speak more loudly or become more clipped? Do you lightly clutch the table, roll your eyes, collapse your chest in a passive aggressive “who cares” or defeated posture? Do you adopt a look of mild disgust, furrow your brow? The finer your understanding here, the more likely you are to catch yourself before you react in a way that you’re less than proud of later.

3. Develop a Process to Unhook

Effective strategies to manage difficult emotions vary widely. Exercise is an excellent “go to.” A good night’s sleep. A walk outside. Taking ten deep breaths.  It is ideal if we “unhook” in the moment, but if we cannot, the cost of staying in the conversations often outweighs the small hit of saying something like this, “This is important information—I need some time to digest for just a moment. Let’s take a five minute break” (if heavily time pressured) or, “let’s get back together at xxyy time,” (if not).

My favorite strategies for neutralizing strong emotions are from the mindfulness-based stress reduction traditions.  For example, from Thich Nhat Hahn: simply taking deep, slow breaths and on the inhale/exhale saying the following: “Breathing in, I relax my body; breathing out, I smile.”  From Tara Brach, consider her stepwise process of “Working with Difficulties.” I have seen many executives learn and master this process with great effect.

If you lose your cool (or if those you lead do) the best strategy is to face it and learn from it. As bad as it may seem in the moment, if you handle your recovery with grace, you can work to strengthen your relationships. Consider these basic strategies for managing others and yourself after the fact:

What to Do When an Employee Cries at Work (June 2013)

Recovering from an Emotional Outburst at Work (May 2015)

Developing your emotional agility is hard work–it takes tons of practice, always involves slip-ups, and then recommitting to practice again. This skill (like developing patience or listening well) is one that can be refined for a lifetime. This said, like most things that require intensive work, committing yourself to recognizing and mastering your emotions also has rich rewards–in life and leadership.

The second topic in this year’s roundup is “Attentional Overwhelm.” Like executive presence, almost everyone I work with has to wrestle, in some way, shape or form, with the completely overwhelming stream of requests  and information coming his or her way on a daily basis.

Much of this can be attributed to omnipresent technology wreaking havoc on our brains. (For excellent coverage on this phenomenon, see Ed Hallowell’s 2005 article on “Overloaded Circuits: Why Smart People Underperform.”)

In addition to endemic technology overwhelm, there is also a stealthy transition point in a career hallmarked by success. This largely goes unnoticed until individuals are held captive by the very thing that made them successful—saying yes. (Or, “Yes, please,” in the words of Amy Poehler).  In other words, success comes when one has been willing to stretch—to say yes—early and often. Successful individuals typically leaned in early in their careers and leaned in strong. For this, they were amply rewarded.

And then things change. And the very trait that made them successful becomes their undoing. As a result of saying yes too much, either their work or leadership suffers; or, their life as a whole starts to drain and punish rather than fuel and fulfill. When this happens, it’s critical to master two skills that assist in creating a career that is both a professionally rewarding and personally sustainable: saying ‘no’ and creating rock-solid work processes.

Mastering the No

Determining what is worthy of one’s time (your yesses) and what is not (your noes) requires fine discernment. Many struggle with saying no simply because they have very high levels of interest and enthusiasm. Some others still fear the well-known boogeyman named FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) or his evil twin sister FOBFO (Fear of Being Found Out). From fear, they say “yes” reflexively.

There is no better resource to mastering one’s noes than William Ury’s Art of a Positive No (Note: Ury is co-founder of Harvard’s Negotiation project and author of the better-known book Getting to Yes).

I won’t tax your attention spans by rehashing his points. Get the book. I use Ury’s frameworks all the time with clients as they first define their “yes” (e.g. what they are seeking to protect or change by saying no) and then create concrete strategies for saying “no.”

My single favorite strategy of Ury’s: “I have a policy.” As he so well describes, this flavor of “no” frames the limits you’re setting in terms of a broader policy of which your “no” is just one instance. It lets the requestor know this is an ongoing practice that you’ve thought through carefully and that your “no” is nothing personal. Let me give you an example of how I use this one (to protect clients’ innocence):

“Thank you so much for asking, but I currently only do volunteer work that can also involve my family.”

See how that works? I’m not turning you down when you request my time, I’m simply affirming a commitment that I’ve made to volunteerism within the context of family.  It’s a “positive no.”

Mastering Process  

Once one practices (again and again) the art of saying no, personal work processes must be mastered. Life becomes increasingly complicated as we age—i.e. if we are lucky, not only do our careers and opportunities expand, but so do our interests and commitments outside of work (to a family, for example; or to a “virtual baby”—as one of my clients brilliantly calls it—which may be a deep passion and interest outside of work that should also be honored). Simply hoping that things will fall into place or fit together doesn’t work.

David Allen, of Getting Things Done fame, is the undisputed master of systems that support executives and knowledge workers. In his work, he spells these systems out well and offers a wide range of  supports, including online webinars and in-person seminars. Highly recommended.

A dramatically simplified version of David Allen’s work, which I recommend to most of my clients (given their patience levels for a full-length book or webinars) is a very short e-book called Zen-to-Done (ZTD). ZTD was created by Leo Babauta through his Zen Habits Blog. Get it. Read it. Then apply one principle at a time and practice that single principle for a month before moving to the next. This single intervention will significantly upgrade your work processes.

Learning to say “no” with grace and ease and developing work processes are worthy goals, essential even, for the reasons described above. But, they do not happen overnight. I routinely tell people to plan on at least a year before things feel smooth and habitual for them. Once mastered, however, the rewards are great.

Next up? Final chapter in 2014 Round Up: Emotional Agility.

The first theme in the 2014 Round-Up, “Executive Presence,” is not a new topic this year (in fact, I reference it even here, in my highly sporadic blog). One’s executive presence, or lack thereof, is a combination of qualities that conveys to others that you are in charge (or can be/deserve to be). Executive presence is not a measure of performance or merit; it’s a measure of whether your performance and merit is telegraphed to others—whether your behavior and words signal that you have what it takes to make the tough decision, sit in the board room, take on the tough client, etc.

Because this area comes up so frequently in coaching, this past year I designed a new workshop (recently rolled out at Kellogg) entitled “Executive Presence: Deconstructing Gravitas.” I chose the word “deconstructing” because being told, or telling someone, that they need to “develop executive presence” is about as helpful as telling a writer that they need to “be more clear.”  The response? “Um. Ok…how do I do that?” The feedback must be deconstructed to be helpful.

The upshot? Executive presence is an equation involving credibility, ease, and ego:


Though I cannot condense hours of teaching into a simple blog post, I do want to offer a few solid resources that support exploration in each of these areas.

Credibility: I assume deep and broad experience and subject matter expertise in the executives I work with. If you (or those you are leading) do not have that—it is where you must begin.  Expertise is the entry ticket to the party–it’s what earns you the right to be concerned about communicating that expertise out. Once you have that, here are some easy-to-access resources on communicating expertise with credibility:

  • Leadership Presence by Kathy Lubar and Belle Linda Halpern has an excellent series of exercises that discuss voice, story and emotion and their role in effective presentations—(works for “ease” category as well)
  • Second City has a series of very popular classes for corporate audiences to refine their presentation skills. (note: Chicago local)
  • I frequently refer folks who need to work on this intensely to Turpin Communication, Speaker’s Choice, or the work of Rob Biesenbach.

Ease: Ease is a measure that combines the qualities of “grace under fire,” congruence, authenticity, and connection with others. There is so much interesting work in this field (and I will cover much more when discussing emotional agility in a later post). To get you started:

  • Exercise and sleep are among the most well-established interventions for overall physical and mental health—both of which are key for regulating stress, anxiety and reactivity–and developing “grace under fire.” If you need any convincing, read Spark by James Ratey, MD (Harvard). Another classic in the field is “The Making of the Corporate Athlete
  • Own the Room by Amy Jen Su and Muriel Wilkins—focuses on connection with other people and developing signature “style” with one’s presence

Ego:  Remember that Ego is the divisor in this equation. Reflect: what happens to your quotient when you divide a number by zero or a negative number? Answer: The quotient is zero or negative. We don’t want that; so, too low of an ego is a problem.

On the other hand, if you’re “over-ego’d” and have a very high number as a divisor, it cuts into your quotient as well. When working on ego issues, I like to call to mind Aristotle’s “golden mean” of “proper pride” (from book two of Nicomachean Ethics for those of you so inclined). You are going for a “+1” here—in other words, you believe you have something to bring to the table, but you also believe that others have something to bring too.

For those who need to tame outsized egos, see Robert Sutton (Stanford), The No A**holes Rule (2010) and “More Trouble than They’re Worth” (HBR 2004). I am also a huge fan of the classic Porras Article, “Level Five Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve.”

For those needing to amp up their ego from zero or a negative number, see:

My hope is that these resources are helpful to you and those you lead. Enjoy!

Next up in our 2014 Round Up: Attentional Overwhelm.

Although my coaching practice is skewed fairly heavily “male,” I feel privileged to work with the women I do. Their backgrounds and careers vary widely, but I find many encounter consistent issues with managing their career: negotiating as fiercely for themselves as they do for others; managing “the balance” of life/work; and imagining a more creative career path that suits their talents and interests—which can mean embracing (gasp!) deviance.

Here’s this year’s round up on my recommendations for women on these issues:

  • Creative Career Planning Specifically for Women: Tara Mohr’s work is something I stumbled upon this year. She is from a new generation of young women boldly designing the lives they want to lead. As a Stanford MBA, Tara specifically focuses on women’s leadership and offers virtual Women’s Leadership Programs that come from a creative, poetic and artistic place (reflecting her own leadership style). For her work more generally, see her website. Also see her excellent, pithy blog entry on HBR on the “good student habits” women should drop immediately.

All of this is not to say that men don’t also struggle with similar issues of speaking up for themselves (or speaking up at all!), balancing their lives, and designing their career paths. They do. It’s just that the particular mental patterns that keep them from doing so can be slightly different, reflecting, for example, behavioral styles (introversion), technical knowledge and assumptions about its dominance over relationship building and political savvy, cultural values, or the fear of being vulnerable (see post below), perceived as weak, or not providing well for those they love. These issues may also haunt women, but there’s something particular about gender that also comes into play for them as they wrestle their way to a fulfilling career–these resources address those gender-based issues head on.


I see much emotion on any given day at work. Indeed, the ability to identify, feel, and choose the expression of one’s emotions is critical to leaders becoming authentic, present and non-reactive in their challenging environments (in emotional intelligence parlance, this is the bedrock of self-understanding and self-mastery).

Some of the emotions that rise up during coaching are hugely positive—expansive and full of possibility; celebratory with the thrill of accomplishment; the charge that comes along with a new insight or the deep satisfaction from a shifting perspective; the rich and profound sense of connection and intimacy that can occur in the authentic and courageous relationships that are developed. This type of emotion I relish witnessing day in and day out in the work I am privileged to do.

And then, there’s the other kind of emotion. Those emotions that sting, cause the chest to tighten, the stomach to knot, the jaw to clench, the temples to pulse, the voice to catch, or the tears to flow–from the pain of dreams undefined or set aside; hearing difficult or unwelcomed feedback; profound feelings of being misunderstood or unappreciated; conflicts between values and demands; the discovery of overwhelming emotions that one didn’t even know existed; or relentless high achievement and striving that can come at a very high psychological cost—the drive that just keeps driving. Sometimes, clients are simply allowing themselves, for the first time in a long time, to feel again. In our time together, they find respite from crushing pressure (or boredom) and, in that oasis, can begin to accept that they are both powerful and powerfully vulnerable.

And although I welcome and encourage the emotional range of clients, I still, to this day, after so many years in this work, am surprised by and defend against those less-than-positive emotions when they rise in me. This has become particularly apparent to me in the past year, as I have had several individuals come into my life who push me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed to be pushed. (These are people in addition to my three children who teach me every single day the ways in which I need to grow). These people passionately disagree or relentlessly quibble with me in areas I feel expert; they challenge me to be more as a coach and teacher; they demand me to give more of myself—more vulnerability, more honesty; they give me unvarnished opinions about what they or others see in me.  Most of the time I want to make them wrong, walk away (or hang up), deny, obfuscate, or just go sulk. And, it makes me marvel that my clients don’t do the same with me. But I don’t and they don’t and for that, I’m grateful. We all seem to be willing to go along for the ride.

All of this is to say that every day is an opportunity to grow and expand as professionals and–by extension– human beings. We can’t do that without also developing our ability to be present to our emotional range—whether coach or client. Purposeful development is not for the faint-of-heart. For me, it’s clearly a season of growth—I take these individuals as clear and precious signs of that. We all need people to tell it to us straight when we don’t want to hear it. And, equally important, we all need a place of safety and complete acceptance, as we are present to the difficult emotions when facing certain truths about our selves—no matter how thrilling, ugly, foreign or revelatory. It may not—usually does not—feel good in the here-and-now, but there’s no better gift in the long run.

I just finished a fantastic book related to the topic of emotion and development: Yearnings, Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life by Irwin Kula. Rabbi Kula’s book shatters the notion that being “buttoned up” is something we should even strive for—our humanity, our wisdom, our beauty and authenticity comes from our messiness, our complexity, our desires and foibles as human beings. He speaks with credibility, humility and vulnerability as he places our struggles in the context of Jewish traditions and wisdom. We are, indeed, marvelously and completely imperfect—a mess of contradictions and vulnerabilities—along with being enormously creative, resourceful, and powerful. Accepting both is a gift indeed.

I’ve often marveled at the synchronicities of life—especially those seemingly random events that spring from the relationships we foster for mutual support. There is an alchemy present in these relationships—as the understanding of ourselves, each other and our opportunities together transforms into gold over the years.

Much of the work that I do with clients involves “encouraging” this sort of synchronicity—i.e. making sure that they’re in contact with people already doing the things they’re interested in learning or doing, or, perhaps more importantly, people doing interesting things that may not be at all related, but are inspiring nonetheless. Nothing—and I mean nothing—can replace opening up and allowing others to participate in your life and development.  In the corporate realm, this may be something as simple as setting regular development conversations with colleagues (and I’m not talking about appraisal conversations here), or it may be participating in a community of practice that discusses challenging business issues (think Vistage, Aspen Institute, etc). In any realm, one can create an informal group that has as its focus supporting the aspirations of one another—a group focused on cheering and prodding you on, asking you the tough questions, reminding you of your own capacity when it’s so easily forgotten. I participate in one such group formed years ago in my living room and still count it among one of my most important support systems. I often sit in wonder at the relationships created, the lives enriched and the once-far-fetched dreams achieved.

Turns out that the idea of bumping into each other and engaging in supportive, but critical debate about our ideas is not so wrong headed. I was reminded of this while enjoying Jonah Lehrer’s article on “Group Think: The Brainstorming Myth.”  Lehrer is a fantastic science writer (and a study in career development in his own right). In this article, he shakes up prevalent notions of how our ideas evolve and how we really create and innovate (hint: it’s less about brainstorming methods ala BBDO/IDEO and more about bumping into one another). Enjoy especially the wisdom of Kellogg faculty in the article.


I am a huge fan of Atul Gawande. I picked up his book Better on a whim and loved it. Complications soon followed. Gawande takes his environment (the hospital operating room) and masterfully explains how things go right (and when they go wrong) and, most importantly, how they can improve. It’s gripping. Think Malcom Gladwell or Daniel Pink in their fast-paced, persuasive prose style, but then picture them also being surgeons and winning MacArthur Genius grants. Phew. He’s good.

All this said, you can imagine my absolute delight when Gawande turned his considerable writing talents and formidable intellect on the topic of coaching in the New Yorker. His article chronicles his experience with hiring a coach to follow him into the operating room and how it improved him. It’s a self-study, but also an excellent, more generalized description of how coaching works—from the operating room to the classroom to the boardroom. You’ll find the article here.

Happy reading–